"Time to breathe in and let everything out"...

Ok.  This may be the hardest blog entry I will ever have to write.  But I am choosing to write my feelings out for others to see, and hopefully learn from.  Here it goes...

These past few weeks have been heart-wrenching to say the least.  It's ridiculous!  As some of you may know, and others may not...the love of my life (or I thought that's who he was) and I went our separate ways.  The events that led up to, and followed this were not pretty, and very much regretful.  It should have gone a lot better than it did, but emotions took over, and things just fell apart.

My last post was about how seasons change people.  That could not have been more timely.  I would have never guessed my life would be where it's at right now.  I guess God has a sense of humor.  I've always thought that He did.  :)  Things in life are way different.  I realized a lot of things.  Here are just a few simple ones:

- God has a sense of humor, especially with timing.
- love hurts, but it shouldn't have to.
- trust is everything, and when it's broken, everything falls apart.
- promises mean something...even when they involve a pinky finger.
- your heart has way more feeling than the rest of your body.
- self control is something I need to work on.
- anger and sadness go hand-in-hand.
- support can mean so much, even when it's on a social network.
- God is here, and He never leaves you alone.
- Family.  That's all I have to say about that.

Those were the main lessons I have learned over the past few weeks.  I lost a part of myself to a guy that I made the center of my life.   DO NOT DO THAT!  God must be the center, because when that guy is gone...the Big Guy is still here.  He never leaves.  We leave Him.

My dad. He literally is the best earthly example of what the Heavenly Father wants men to be.  He loves me for me.  He never lets me fall.  He holds my hand and comforts me when I need it, and when I don't.  He tells me how much I mean to him, even when I don't deserve it.  He shines Jesus.

My mom.  She is amazing.  She knows when I'm hurting, even when I can't say it.  She sleeps in my bed when I don't want to be alone.  She supports me in whatever I do.  She loves me even when I don't show her love.  She checks on me a million times a day, just because she wants to, not because she has to.  She shines Jesus.

My sister.  I love her.  She is going to never date.  She is going to live with me and be happy.  End of story.  :)  No.  There is a guy out there for my baby sister.  He shouldn't fear my dad.  He needs to fear me.  He has a lot to live up to, to deserve her.

My extended family and friends.  I have NEVER in my life believed in myself as much as now.  I have NEVER had the inspiration to live life no matter the circumstance as I do now.  I have NEVER felt so loved.  Thank you for your words, your prayers, your hugs, your smiles, and just for being here for me.  I don't deserve it.

It's so weird.  My heart feels so empty, yet so full.  I relied so much on this one person, to provide me with love and endless support.  I should not have done that.  Jesus should have been that in my life.  God truly has revealed himself to me lately.  I have needed this to happen for a really long time.  I was sinning, turning away from Him, and putting someone above Him on my list.  When my guy left, a part of my heart left too.  BUT...God has been filling that void in with what was supposed to be there from the start.

It hurts so bad sometimes, but I know He has a plan for me.  He knows what my future looks like, and it is bright.  I am struggling to rely on Him fully, but my life is truly changing for the better.  When that doubt of going on with my life ensues, I turn to Jesus and ask for forgiveness, then beg for him to fill that void that I am feeling.  Whoever is reading this, and feels as if life just can't go on, or you are dating someone you put above Jesus...SHAME ON YOU!  Your life will go on.  And your life will be better with Jesus as the top of your list.

I am learning and growing so much right now.  I have lost a lot, but I have gained more because of my Savior.  Thank you, Jesus, for protecting my heart and holding it in the palm of Your hand.  I know it's still partially in pieces, but You are gluing it back together with a glue that can't let it break again.  :)

I will write more as I learn more.  Thank you to everyone for your support and prayers.  It's stupid how much a silly boy can have an impact on your life, but I was naive enough to believe he would be there forever.

Oh, and one last thing...Pray for him...not just for me.
(and please do not try and contact him in any way, or make him feel unloved or bad for all that has happened.  It really does take two people to end a relationship.  It's all in God's plan, and it's only between him and God now.  Please leave it to that.)

I'm leaving you with a song that has been speaking to me lately...

"Whatever You're Doing" - Sanctus Real
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_t-PaBRSQY

Seasons

I don't know if it's just the season change, but this time of year is really hard for me.  My mood changes, my body aches, and I feel down.  Lot's of things go on in the fall, and I love the weather, but for some reason...I just don't FEEL anything.  The leaves changing into beautiful colors, the wind becoming colder, and the sky turning grey just makes me want to stay inside and admire God's work.  It's my favorite season, just because I get to wear jeans and a sweatshirt everyday.  I don't have to put an outfit together, I just throw stuff on.  :)

Another thing I have noticed about this season is how relationships are affected.  With the whole mood changing thing, I think each person in the relationship becomes a little on edge and uninterested, therefore causing issues.  It's not the happiest season, in fact, it is known not to be.  People are starting to have to turn their heat on and stay inside, causing a little cabin fever.  I love the outdoors and being in the sunshine.  It's hard to stay inside all day, knowing there isn't really another choice.  Don't get me wrong...sitting in my sweats, drinking hot cocoa, and bundled in a few blankets makes me feel content, but that contentment begins to wear off once the season gets longer and longer.

I'm not quite sure what I feel right now, or if I feel anything at all, but I do know that when seasons change,  people change.  Anyone with me???