SMS: This for You.

Friend.  I miss you.  I miss having you there.  I miss everything about my past with you.  Lately, I've been having a really hard time dealing with the fact that the only friends I have, I see once a year.  I have forced one of my best friends away.  I feel alone.  I feel betrayed.  I feel like it's all my fault.  I feel like I made the wrong decision in breaking off a 15 year friendship because of a few mistakes.  I feel like she will never ever understand why I did it, and I don't think I ever will either.  I regret it.  I am sorry SMS.  I miss you, and wish we could just start back up where we left off.  I am sorry to any of my wonderful friends that I abandoned, because I now feel your pain.  I hope you can forgive me.  I see my boyfriend go out with his friends, and he has every right to.  It's his life, he can do what he wants.  But a part of me gets so furious, so everytime he comes home, I get angry, sad, jealous, and deceitful.  I want to stop this madness.  I want to be able to go out with my friends whenever I want.  I want to be able to wake up one morning and know the entire day is going to be with my best friend.  The sad thing is, I can't say that.  I need more than just my boyfriend and my family to hold me together.  I pushed my friend away.  I let myself get caught up in something that made me feel better than her and her faults.  The truth is, I didn't want people to associate me with the mistakes that I ditched my friend for.  I wanted to feel superior, and more deserving of whatever was to come in my life.  I was selfish, and wrong.  My best friend stayed there, and begged me to stay there with her, but I left.  I was the person I hated.  Right now, I feel at my wits end with everything about friendship.  I do have great friends through the Awakening that get me through, but I only see them half of the summer, once a week, for three hours.  Then it's back to nothing.  I need Jesus to open up more friendships for me, and to open my heart to accept them.  I am afraid of new friends, because I know I will have something else to commit to.  The truth is, I would give anything for that commitment I used to have to my best friend.  I would wake up everyday of the summer at her house and wonder what adventure we would have next.  It was a blast.  Then one day, I decided I was better than that friendship, and let her go.  I was mean.  I was hurtful.  I was evil to her.  She was there for me.  I was there for her.  I felt trapped, but I really just wanted to feel loved.  We got so used to each other, we would start fighting over stupid things.  Then we started arguing over our boyfriends' perspectives on things.  Then it turned into something I regret.  I started to act like I hated her.  Truthfully, I never really hated her.  I loved her with all my heart.  I wanted something to hold onto in the hard times, and hold onto in the good times.  I miss her so much.  I just wish this 15 year friendship can one day be resolved.  I pray she forgives me, unlike what I did for her.  I love you, SMS.  Please forgive me.