How Do I Know The Difference?

It took me 13 minutes to start typing.  I watched the cursor blink for 780 seconds as I probed my brain for something to say.  I have so much inside of me that I want to scream; yet somehow I am unable.  I am too afraid of what people might think.  I'm afraid people are going to think I keep going back and forth between what my heart is saying and what God is saying.  I really don't know anymore what the difference is.  I am in continuous prayer.  I turn to my God for everything.  Why do I never seem to get any relief?  My last bog entry was about how my heart has been hurting again.  It was about how I let a mind game take over and I fell for it.  I fell for Satan's lies.  That was 7 days short of a month ago, and not too much has changed, except for one thing...I truly believe God is placing someone in my life for a reason.  This certain someone has no idea what's going on inside of me.  I am constantly fighting my own will in order to fulfill God's.  My life is just so complicated at the moment.  I don't have any clue as to what is going on anymore.  My mind is racing and my heart is beating out of my chest.  I feel my hands shake and my body tremble in fear of the unknown.  This is totally different than my anxiety and panic attacks I've experienced over and over.  These "episodes" will not cease.  It's more of an internal fight between my heart and my head.  I promise, to whoever brave soul is reading this, that I am NOT GOING CRAZY!  I am fully aware of what's happening, I'm just in a state of chaos at the moment.

I've had a few conversations with my dad about all of this, but nothing in this detail.  I feel like writing it out helps me express it in a clearer way, although this is probably so confusing to you.  I have this unbearable tugging at my heart.  It physically exhausts me and hurts me.  I feel emotions so deep lately, that my mind won't stop thinking about them.  I'm not quite sure what else to say, except that I'm trying my absolute hardest to trust God with EVERYTHING in my life, but this fight between my heart and my head is unending.  I know Satan is trying his hardest to make me feel down and depressed, but it's not really a depression I'm feeling right now.  It's just boredom.  I need something new.  I need excitement again.  I need girls' nights and time with my guy friends that I never see.  I am past the point of time for myself.  I'm just so over it right now.  I'm exhausted and I'm bored.

This past semester really took a toll on me.  I know this sounds like a pity party, and it sort of feels like it at the moment, but I promise I am really not trying to make it sound that way.  This semester proved to be the hardest and most challenging of all.  I experienced new things, new life.  I had moments that took my breath away because they were so incredible, and I had moments when I just wanted to be able to breathe because I was in so much pain.  I'm just so tired of talking about myself and my hurts, yet it seems to be the only thing I have to talk about anymore.  I want to be able to talk about someone else for once.  I want to be able to say that I had a wonderful day with my best friend.  I want to be able to brag about how great my boyfriend is to everyone.  I want to be able to express happiness to everyone that I come in contact with, but I'm just not at that point right now.  I'm missing too many people.  I just feel as if I'm watching everyone's life go by.  It seems as though I am the only one just stuck where I am.  I want to be done with school and in a classroom teaching.  I want to be in love.  I want to go to movies with my friends.  I want to have nights where I stay up late hanging out with the one person that wants to be there too.

This is where I am stuck.  My heart is telling me in so many different ways that that person is who I think it is.  My head is saying it’s someone else down the road.  I’m afraid to do anything about it, because of the fear of failing again.  I know it’s not quite time to do anything, but I just need to know that whomever I end up with; that person will not leave.  Why do people leave each other?  Is it because it’s meant to be that we are apart forever, or is it because later down the road it will be a better time?  Why do friendships end?  Is it because at that very moment you weren’t meant to be friends, or is it that it was planned out so that you will never be friends again?  I’m just so confused.  I am doing everything I can to live for God.  Nothing has changed since November 7^th.  I never question His power, or my faith in His will.  I’m just at a point in my life where my wants are crossing the path of God’s wants for my life.  So how do I know the difference, and what do I do?