Here We Go Again

Let me start out by saying that this past month and a half has been extremely up and down for me.  I have experienced heartbreak, redemption, forgiveness, and now I am at panic.  It has been a HUGE roller coaster.  I first want to say that I am not writing this, or anything in this blog, for attention.  I just want people to be able to feel as if they aren't alone.  I hope that's how it's coming across to those of you who read these posts.

October 8, 2010:  heartbreak
October 31, 2010: redemption
November 7, 2010: forgiveness
November 16, 2010: panic

These dates are the most significant in my life lately.  Nothing has been completely straight-lined or definite this past month.  I have been a mess of happiness and heartache, along with peace and panic.  My heart is so full, yet so empty at times.  My body hurts.  Nothing but prayer provides me peace, and nothing but sleep helps the pain.

Last year, at this exact time, I was suffering with anxiety disorder.  I wasn't happy.  I was scared of everything.  I felt sick all the time.  I didn't want to get out of bed.  I didn't enjoy life anymore.  I felt depressed and like I didn't matter at all.  My family and friends were so loving and tried harder than ever to comfort me.  I didn't want that.  I needed more.  I didn't realize that my heart was longing for a relationship with Jesus.

I remember one night at the Muncie Mall with friends, I felt it coming.  It was like a wave of emotion came over me, and swallowed me.  Josh looked at me with a little worry on his face, and asked what was wrong.   was physically sick to my stomach, shaking, and unable to catch my breath.  My legs were uncontrollably weak, and I began to sweat.  I was panicking about nothing, but something just didn't click in my brain to breathe.  I prayed, "God, please just let this catch my breath!"  My back ached from the shaking, and I was exhausted.  I had to sit and catch what felt like my last breath.  My friends didn't really know what happened because I was trying so hard to keep it to myself.  That night we all hung out in Justin's dorm, and I just couldn't feel anything.  I wanted so badly to just lay down and not wake up for a couple of days.  My heart was beating so fast, it was almost like it was coming out of my chest.  If anyone has had a panic attack, they know what this feels like.

The doctor told me about panic/anxiety disorder.  I never thought in my life, I would have to suffer with it.  It was pretty intense for about a month, and slowly but surely, I was somewhat normal again.  I had so much support from my family and friends.  I knew I would get over it with help.

Well it's been a year, and I had some attacks every now and then, but not frequent like I had at first.  Today I went to a clinic in Muncie, and the doctor took an x-ray on my neck because of the pain I've had for so long, without relief.  He said everything was perfectly aligned, so it wasn't structural damage.  He checked my stomach and abdominal muscles, because of the constant nausea, but nothing was abnormal.  Dr. Miller said he thinks it's just my nerves and anxiety again.  So...with all that said (sorry it's so long), I am back on a medication to help, and not looking forward to this again.  Hopefully, with prayer and turning to God for relief and peace, I won't need any medication to make me calm.  Now to get to Christmas break...that's another story in itself about stress.  :)

"Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance." - Romans 5:3